Blue Friday

I’m not proud of this, but yeah, I’ve been many times in my life in situations that I thought that I could save the world or make a huge change in economy, media, politics and so on! Yeah. This was me.

And as you know there are many people, and I mean MANY, almost all (Mom! I know you do, you always did), around the world who don’t give a sh** about me. So, I need to start to accept this fact that the world doesn’t turn around me! It’s me the one who need to survive, and to find his path through this complexity and also threatening dangers.

When you try many times to prove that you are different and eventually fail because you are not, this out-of-control reaction shows up which make you say: OK! Let’s forget about everything! Let’s be a jerk or a useless hopeless human being who’s blaming the world for his own failures.

Actually I was right there 31 days ago. I can’t guarantee that I wouldn’t get there again, but that’s the point; I don’t want not to. Anyway, It was a blue Friday evening and I was all alone by my self in my house laying down beside the heater feeling so cold and wishing for an earthquake to come and the roof to collapse on me and release me from this f***ing life! I waited, waited, and again waited more!

The problem started when the mentioned earthquake didn’t come! After a while I felt so hungry, so I desperately stood up and went to the fridge. I grabbed some food and when the hunger was gone, I shouted to my self: “You poor paththththetic creature!”.

laying-down-on-railway2My feelings when my hunger was gone, reminded me of the guy who was laying down between train tracks on a railway line having some pieces of bread with him waiting for a train to come and kill him. “Why are you laying down here? It’s dangerous!” a stranger asked passing by. “I want to commit suicide!” the guy answered. “So, what is the food for, if you want to kill yourself?” The stranger asked. “I have this food with me not do die if the train came late!”

Then I realized that I can’t just sit there waiting for an earthquake to happen, neither I had the courage to throw my self before a coming train, I couldn’t be that strong to shoot into my mouth which also I needed a gun to do so!

So, I came to the result that: “How about shutting up and living your life?! ha?”

Here we are. Sleep early every night, waking up early in the morning, working out like an idiot, not smoking cigarettes like those healthy healthy guys in commercials, going to work regularly AND prevent myself to hope that something so lovely is going to happen in the future for I do now.

I accepted that there may be nothing waiting for me in the future but a worse miserable life in which I won’t have any money, any success in my education or even any good relationship. But, It’s OK. There is not much more thing to lose when I lost my most valuable treasure in that blue Friday evening.

Complex and still unsettled

Macaulay, torn between his sympathies with the progressive aspirations of the French Revolution on 1789 and his horror at its periods of unhesitating bloody sacrifice, wrote of the difficulty for a fair observer to give judgment on an event so complex and still, at his time, so unsettled:

A traveler falls in with a berry which he has never before seen. He tastes it, and finds it sweet and refreshing. He praises it, and resolves to introduce it into his country. But in a few minutes he is taken violently sick; he is convulsed; he is at the point of death. He of course changes his opinion, pronounces this delicious fruit a poison, blames his own folly in tasting it, and cautions his friends against it. After a long and violent struggle he recovers, and finds himself much exhausted by his suffering, but free from some chronic complains which have been the torments of his life. He then changes his opinion again, and pronounces this fruit a very powerful remedy, which ought to be employed only in extreme cases and with great caution, but which ought not to be absolutely excluded from the Pharmacopoeia!

Roy Mottahedeh, The Mantle of the Prophet.

How do clerics of Qom think about study of religions?

This blog was supposed to be for my diaries, but I left for no reason. Yesterday a new visitor who had found me when she was searching, made me read my posts again and miss my blog. Actually I miss ME when I was writing this blog. I’ve changed a lot. I think this is one of the best things about the blog that you can see yourself again through what you’ve written before.

I’m a little busy these days working on my thesis, and trying not to involve my whole life, but it’s happening. For me, research project is not just a periodic peace of job that I easily start and finish it. Every one of my readings during my M.A opened a new insight in my system of belief.

My main question that came out of two other question is that:

How does the society of Hawzah of Qom think about studying other religions? and why?

By “the society of Hawzah of Qom” I mean everyone who is related to the Hawzah of Qom including beginners, teachers, professors, scholars and authorities. Even the ones who are not officially clerics but have major connection with this society. I’ve explained a little more about my thesis here:

The Anthropology of Religions Studies in Qom’s Hawzah

I appreciate your comments about the whole idea and also the details!

The Home of Wisdom

Once I asked myself what is wrong with me?! I tried so hard to be accepted to this class, this university or any educational program, but I would be so glad if one of my teachers doesn’t come for a session! I’m not a kid anymore whose parents force him to go to school. I by myself chose to continue my education. So, what is that feeling? Why am I still a GORIZPA kid who always waits for a moment not to be at school? Something must be wrong.

When we were reading Mr. Fasheh’s letters to Mr. Aghaya, in our workshop, his words reminded me of some Hadiths and today at the meeting with Mr. Doostdar and Ms. Ghahramani it happened again. Mr. Fasheh distinguished between KNOWLEDGE and WISDOM. Actually it might be related to لیس العلم بکثرة التعلیم و التعلم بل العلم نور یقذفه الله فی قلب من یشاء من عباده. This is the most important part for me. It can be interpreted to anything but I like to understand it this way.

At our great meeting today, Dr. Doostdar and Ms. Ghahramani opened for us a new window toward a lot further goals in our vision. I liked what he said about “understanding the time”. Doctoral is just another stage of our education and shouldn’t be considered as the final goal. It’s so small to be the best thing a student is looking for. We all left Dr. Doostdar’s office with a very good feeling and and high expectation about our education’s future.

I thought again about the reason I came to URD. My purpose of studying Abrahamic Religions has changed a lot during these two years. Now the most thing I want to know is Islam. You know why? The Islam I learned in books and the Islam that I see in our society, look very different. I need to know what happened to Islam when it came to us, Iranians for instance. The missing point has to be in people. I need to know more about people, about Muslims, Christians, Jews and others. I want to find how people treated their religions. I’m sure lots of questions lay in their religious life and some one must find them.

Knowing more and more. I like it, but now I know the different between knowing and being a Doctor. There is nothing wrong with being a doctor, but I try to be aware of the way I’m going through. That’s a little close to the way I was growing in my early years of being a TALABEH. Nothing was important but knowing more and finding the truth. The older I got these years, the stranger I became to my first aims and goals.

Now I going to restart the way I was dealing with my life. I’m going to remember that I am a human, to rethink how God sees us, to rebuild the foundations of my thoughts about people, prophets, humans, the world and specially the one who I call him ME. Then I can find the role of the education in my life, the meaning of being a student. That is what happened to me lately.

Thinking through sharing

When I attended to URD (University of Religions and Denominations) I was thinking that I have to pass twoooo years to finish my MA in Abrahamic Religions, but now I see myself standing at the end of a long way that I can’t remember how I passed. These two years happened faster than I expected. Now I have only two and half month to choose the topic of thesis. And to be honest, I don’t have any clear concern that I need to follow.

I talked to some friends of mine and I realized that they have the same problem. So, we decided to set up an everyday-workshop and meet each other regularly to solve the problem.

I had this experience with my wonderful teacher, Mrs. Ghahramani about how to use WEB (I will explain it) to find the main question of yours about any field. So, we started our meeting based on this method. And we also agreed about the language; it has to be English so we do two thing at the same time– writing our thesis-es and improving our English skills.

How the method works? It’s very simple. You write the main topic(s) you think that it/they may be your concerns, on a piece of paper or on a whiteboard. Then you connect these topics together with line(s). Then you think about every topic and let your mind goes wherever it likes, under those topics.


My simple mind map
I made this map by using a free program named "VUE"

Whatever comes to your mind about any of those topics, you have to write it down and connect it to the other topics by lines again. and go on. After some minutes of thinking and drawing lines, you will have a paper or whiteboard full of topics and lines that they are connected to each other from different ways. Actually by this, you help your mind look at itself from the outside. You may have some thoughts in the darkness of your mind, but you can’t talk about them before they come out and appear on a white piece of paper. After some times of doing this, you may find your main question. And when you find your question, you can start your research.

Anyway, we’ve already have 3 sessions til now and in fact, it goes well. We are now closer to our questions and we hope to find it soon. I’m focusing on new media and religion, special internet, blogging and social networking. Mohsen is working on missionary in Islam and Christianity. Mehdi now know that he is interested in culture and religion. Ahmad thinks about gender and religions. And finally Miss. Kazemi is in a favor of religions, culture and politics. I think it is a good advance toward our goals.

If you are interested in using VUE to make your own mind-map, yon can download it for free from here.