They say pain and suffering are alerts, pointing to inside problems, which we might not be aware of, but something has to done about them. I tried to find and fix the problem and it went well to some extend, but when I approached the end and I was so close to catch it, I couldn’t take the final step. Why? I suddenly realized that I liked that pain. I was addicted to that alarm, and in years, I had built a life around it!
The first day at the workshop, Shahsavari said, depression is what all the writers have and need, but only the ones who can manage it well, are the ones who will become successful writers with published works and lots of money!
I gave up that workshop and I never finished my novel, but at the end I realized that I was addicted to that pain, because it had become the way I could enjoy my life; by constantly reading novels, watching movies, and writing! Yes. Depression was like a fuel to my writing engine. Without it, I was only able to ramble nonsense words that no one wanted to read. (Here’s the moment when shrinks start to criticize your belief about not being able to do something without something. They always say you can do anything without anything!)
It got worse, though. This life style works only when you live alone, and have enough time and freedom to be doing nothing for a week, or harm yourself by smoking, not working regularly, or not caring enough about your health.
The alarm sounds scary now. I’ve not been able to turn it off yet, and I’m also done with hearing it all day and night and doing nothing. The problem has to be solved, but I haven’t yet been able to determine where the problem is.
The fact that the only reason I have for trying is someone else, bothers me a lot. And my shrink says it wouldn’t work if you don’t do it for yourself. She says if you do it only for someone else, you will need that someone for ever. She says this is not gonna work, and she has been right so far.
By the way, life feels so real and powerful now, and it stands against me. They also say, life is a gift and everyone should be thankful for that gift, even if they’re not religious. But now, for me, it feels like a punishment and that we’re sentenced to live in this world. We must have done something horrible in our previous life some where. Adam! Eve!