Annoying Alert

They say pain and suffering are alerts, pointing to inside problems, which we might not be aware of, but something has to done about them. I tried to find and fix the problem and it went well to some extend, but when I approached the end and I was so close to catch it, I couldn’t take the final step. Why? I suddenly realized that I liked that pain. I was addicted to that alarm, and in years, I had built a life around it!

The first day at the workshop, Shahsavari said, depression is what all the writers have and need, but only the ones who can manage it well, are the ones who will become successful writers with published works and lots of money!

I gave up that workshop and I never finished my novel, but at the end I realized that I was addicted to that pain, because it had become the way I could enjoy my life; by constantly reading novels, watching movies, and writing! Yes. Depression was like a fuel to my writing engine. Without it, I was only able to ramble nonsense words that no one wanted to read. (Here’s the moment when shrinks start to criticize your belief about not being able to do something without something. They always say you can do anything without anything!)

It got worse, though. This life style works only when you live alone, and have enough time and freedom to be doing nothing for a week, or harm yourself by smoking, not working regularly, or not caring enough about your health.

The alarm sounds scary now. I’ve not been able to turn it off yet, and I’m also done with hearing it all day and night and doing nothing. The problem has to be solved, but I haven’t yet been able to determine where the problem is.

The fact that the only reason I have for trying is someone else, bothers me a lot. And my shrink says it wouldn’t work if you don’t do it for yourself. She says if you do it only for someone else, you will need that someone for ever. She says this is not gonna work, and she has been right so far.

By the way, life feels so real and powerful now, and it stands against me. They also say, life is a gift and everyone should be thankful for that gift, even if they’re not religious. But now, for me, it feels like a punishment and that we’re sentenced to live in this world. We must have done something horrible in our previous life some where. Adam! Eve!

God of the Flouting World

There are things you can never prove for sure, but if you find the chance to look at them from the outside, the results are sometimes convincing.

This may be the biggest question everyone could have in their life, “Is there a God up there? Will we go through another life when we die here in this world?”

He is almost 500 grams now, and moves his body when we listen to some musics, or when we eat a delicious food, specially when there is sugar in what we eat. Sometimes, I try to communicate with him, but he wouldn’t respond which makes me imagine for a moment that he’s sitting in there listening carefully to the sound coming from like nowhere and trying to make sense out of it.

I’m kind of sure that he would try to understand the situation, but there is always this question in my mind, “Would he be able to?” I don’t think so. It’s almost impossible for him to realize what is going on out here. His world is probably limited to a source from which he feeds, and faded sounds coming from different directions, and maybe the lights.

K was reading an article the other day about the most burden he goes through everyday which is to keep himself balanced in his small floating world, when the mother is moving, walking, sitting, or fast-driving a car. The article said that the more the mother moves during the day, the more her child would be tired at the end of the day.

Well, I imagine myself in that floating world which moves all the time, where I hear muffled voices, and sometimes a beam of light coming through the walls, and… what would I think? How would I respond to the voices and the lights? What would these things possibly mean to me? And the biggest question is, would I be able to guess about the world out there? Or let’s say, even if anyone tries to give me a clue, would be there any way to make me understand even a very small part of the world out of my tiny limited nest?

To be honest, I could never be sure about what they told us about the next life, and all the things they said would happen when we die, but trying to put myself in his shoes, I faced some news insights. Even while not being able to be sure about the other life, there is one thing I can be 100% sure about: the POSSIBILITY. I can clearly imagine people out there, to whom our big-looking world is just the size of a tiny bird nest to ours. Maybe they’ve been out there for so long trying to communicate with us in various ways, but we are not able to understand their message. And as there is no way for him to understand but to get out of there, maybe there is no way for us but to die and get to other side. Who knows?

This may be the first lesson he’s already given me before he is born. He gave me the chance to imagine another reasonable possibility.

Immigrants in home

Unaccustomed EarthI just finished “Unaccustomed Earth“, the book written by Jhumpa Lahiri, and I’m in a need of talking about it, even though I know I can’t express my feelings as they are.

I read the Farsi translation of the book which was titled as “No One’s Business”, and it was a great job by Goli Emami.

The books is a collections of short stories, but the stories are somehow interconnected that I felt like I was reading an episodic novel. All the stories are about Indian immigrants who are living in the US and facing the change of their world, in many different levels; as they are kids, mothers, wives, husbands, lovers or even when they are loved.

Through narrating the usually neglected details, the book took me to many  places that I had never been, but they felt very familiar to me. Deep in my heart, I knew many of the concerns of the people in the book. My unexpected identification with the characters, showed my that there might be a lot in common between us, Iranians and those Indians who left their hometown and started to live in the US.

The point is that I still live here, in my hometown Iran! So, why should these feelings be familiar for me?

During the last two decades of my life, maybe as many other Iranian youths, due to the revolution in media, web, and online social networks, I’ve lived in a whole different world. Even though I physically live in a specific part of the earth now, but my mind lives a different life. We are modernized in someway, but still live in a full of traditions atmosphere.

The problem is that we are not totally modern, or totally loyal to the traditions, but we are somewhere in between. There is a mixture of many cultures, religions and traditions inside us, and we manage the fight between all these ideologies every single day, when we come to a decision about an even a simple question like whether my mother has the right to expect something from my wife or my friends.

I don’t know if I have to be happy about how we live now, but what I’m worried about, is that most of the ones who have to care about this change under the skin of our generation, don’t care.  And the ones who care, don’t know what to do about it. And a big revolution might be going to happen.

To tell or not to tell

They always say that it’s good to tel people how you feel, but it’s not as easy as they suggest. No matter how you feel about someone, there will be consequences when you step forward and tell them the truth.

I’ve hurt many people by letting them know how I felt. Even though I told them the whole truth, they got me wrong. And sometimes they weren’t where I was, so it got complicated. When I liked them more than they liked me, they suffered from someone who wants to be friend with them, while they didn’t want to. And sometimes it was the other way around.

In the case of hatred it was more difficult. To let someone know you’re interested in them  was much easier than to show them how you hate them. And the reactions were always tragic. Some would become depressed and broken, and some would become your enemy and hate you back!

So, day by day I learned not to show what I felt, to let the people I like go away not knowing that someone like them secretly, and to hang out with the ones I hate, even when I can’t stand them. The problem solved? Obviously not. It got worse!

I thought that I could keep my likes and dislikes inside and never let the others find out how I felt, but it turned out to be an impossible mission. The eyes were the problem! No matter how hard I tried to hide my feelings, people could see what was going on through my eyes. And then, they started to judge me for hiding my feelings about them.

I still don’t know how to solve the problem, but I know I have to give up keeping everyone happy and satisfied, because if I don’t stop this, I will end up being hated by everyone.


Five years in between

The place was so familiar and the memory of our last visit there was so alive that I couldn’t believe when K told me that it was 5 years ago when we got in the warm place of this Cafe in a cold winter night, and she looked funny by wearing my gloves.

Baran Cafe

Feeling lonely and being worried about our unknown feature, we talked and tried to find a way to establish a family, but a couple of weeks later we separated and our lives fell apart. Simply I failed, and then, tried to forget all of those memories and moments, with new people and new relationships, but none of them worked!

I went through a deep darkness and loneliness during those five years, even the times I stepped in new relationships. I gave up many things out of anger and depression, but last night when I was sitting face to face of K in the same place in a cool September night, watching her smiling and listening to me reading the poems of Hafez, I felt that those five years were not wasted.

Baran Cafe reading HafezI wasn’t ready back then, and from where I’m standing now in my timeline, I can see that even if we had succeed and had gotten married, I wasn’t the one who could appreciate what he had.

I know that five years is a lot of time, but I can also see that a whole new person came to being out of that little frightened weak and fragile kid that I used to be. I hope that this calmness and peaceful moments that we’re living now, last to the end of our life.

Talk before it is too late!

I talk a lot! That’s a fact. If somebody asks my friends or my colleagues about me,  they never say, “He is a shy, silent employee who only minds his own business”; because it’s not me. I go to people and say Hi and start conversations with them. In work meetings, even though I try not to speak so much which always puts me in trouble, I participate in almost every conversation as it is my duty to solve every single problem at my workplace!

But, it doesn’t mean that I tell people what I should, about my feelings and what is going on in my heart about what they do to me. That’s the problem. I easily laugh, and I make others laugh too, but when it comes to sadness and anger, there’s a big lock on my mouth.

Long time ago, I was mad at a friend, and I didn’t tell her. Then, I talked about that  with some of our mutual friends to relieve myself from the suffer I was through. She was also hurt because she’d got some bad re-actions from the ones to whom I had talked. And for maybe two years we didn’t talked about it.

Today, we finally talked and told each other how we felt about the problem and how we was hurt by each other back then. It wasn’t easy to express all those feelings, but after we did, it was all gone. Just like that!

And now… I wish we’ve done that long time ago. It could’ve been much easier the first day, but I made a mistake, which cost me two years of sadness about what my friend had done to me, and two years of anger in my friend’s heart about what I had done in return.

I hope I can learn my lesson this time!

The Limits of Control

I know. Life is not as sad as every time I feel like writing some thing here. In fact, I live my life when I enjoy it and I don’t share it here with you. You may call me selfish now, but you’re right! If I’m here, it means something’s gone wrong again, and I’m trying to fix it by writing about it in my blog! Or, maybe it’s not about fixing, but only about a need to let it out, so I could see it outside of mind.

Last night, I went to bed at 11 PM, and set my alarm on 6 AM so I could take a full 7 hours of sleeping which helps me to function normally during the next day. And I woke up on time and everything seemed OK. Then I took a shower and ate my breakfast and leaved the house to work.

The problem showed itself when I got to my office and turn my computer on to start the day. When my computer was trying to boot, I felt that I wasn’t ready to start a new day, just like that. It was like I’d left something back in my yesterday which didn’t let me to proceed to my today.

By the way, I found out it was all about a dream I saw last night, which I hardly remember, but the only part I can still see in my head, is when I heard the cats fighting in our bedroom. I was frightened, but I didn’t want to wake K up.  So, I tried to find the cats in silence. After minutes of searching around in darkness, I realized that it was only a nightmare and there were no cats and fights. I got back to bed and crawled under the warm blanket,  and… I blacked out!

Well, the night is over now, but it’s not fair that a little nightmare, coming from nowhere, is able to ruin a whole day of our short life! However, nightmares are not the only things out of our control. Among all the things pushing our life forward, there are only few things we have a little control over or the ability to decide about. What can we do, but to accept the offer!

* Obviously the title of the post is not mine!

The Blue Friday, Everyday

Everything looked alive those years. We were young and free, and all of our dreams looked easy to catch. All we used to do was to enjoy the life, spending our time by reading, writing, walking at nights, sitting in cafes reading poems, listening to musics, watching movies, and… talking. Yes, talking.

As far as I remember the feeling I had, the best part was talking with each other. We used to talk a lot, almost about everything, but mostly about what we called “the pains of life”. But now it sounds kind of funny; because I can’t remember what kind of pain we could have at that time. We treated life like a joke and enjoyed it the best way we could, and now it’s not easy to accept that all those days are gone.

It’s been almost five years since the fog of hatred and enmity covered everything. The united group we had with all that variety of tastes and beliefs, now looks like some scattered Islands. Everyone is so busy with his own daily life, trying so hard to make the ends meet. And ridiculously every one is working on his thesis right now!

We judged a lot in these recent years, we hated a lot, we defended a lot, we showed our anger and disappointment a lot… which all have led to a dark and deep loneliness and our hearts some how died.

Every Sunday I go to the old school to watch a movie and sometimes we drink a cup of tea with some of those old friends. I can feel it. I can feel that everyone needs to say something, but they don’t know what to say and how to say it. I know that they miss something, but none of them can show what he feels.

It’s not easy to hope, but… I hope the Sun shines again someday.

The Center of the Universe

bolt talking to pidgins2

Due to what my father believed and acted according to, I spent most of my life having this silly idea that I was special, which was later proved to be completely wrong!

In the dark history of 30 years of living this life, there was always these fake lights that showed the differences I had from other kids. I was told that I was super smart, handsome, powerful, charming, and mindful. Thank God, they never told me that I was tall!

Years passed, and I went through lots of failures, which was shocking for my parents, and these failures taught me that I was just an ordinary child like many others, and to be honest, I wasn’t that ordinary either. Most of my friends were much better than me in almost everything.

Those years are over now, and I didn’t get any of what my parents expected me to achieve. And the main reason for those failures was not that I couldn’t; I didn’t succeed because I didn’t try enough. Well, I didn’t have to try based on how I used to see myself; Everything looked easy for me in a way that I didn’t need to bother myself, trying! They should’ve come to me by themselves.

In another hand, I’ve got this reaction from many of friends and relatives in all these years, which always was unpleasant to me, but now I can understand why. They usually tried to prove me that I wan’t that good, or that special, even sometimes when I really was good at something.

I have some friends that I pathetically expected them to make a tiny little complement about me all the years I was friend with them, but they never did, even once.  Gradually, I lost my self-confidence in front of them, like they could only see weaknesses in me, or they were doing me a favor by being friend with me.

First, I tried to think that this was how they were and they never said good things about any one, but by the time went on, I saw many examples of their saying wonderful things about many of their friends, but never me.

I know, and I confirm how miserable it was to be this needy for other’s complements, but even now that I know who I was and who I am, I still believe that they treated my like that, to show me I was nothing. Actually they did the same thing my parents had done before. Possibly the most reasonable thing to say about me now is that I’m not as good as my parents used to think, and I’m not as bad as these friends of mine were trying to prove.

After all, I’m me, with many weaknesses that I don’t know how to handle, and I’m just at the beginning of my way of life.

Looks like a happy end in a Hollywood kind of talking? Hah? A person finally found himself and now is trying to make a better life, based on who he really is? Little Miss Sunshine? Bolt? Negative!

Not only that it’s not easy to find out what’s the best thing to do now and how to survive from this challenge, but also the old game is not over yet! Even right now that I’m writing these lines, I could still feel the remaining consequences of those years of my being a self-center spoiled child, who cannot possibly do anything wrong. I can feel it, and the biggest challenge is to find a way out of this self-constructed prison.

I have no idea how to escape from the world I’ve made in years. I don’t like the way I look, the way I sound when I talk, and the way I think about anything, specially this very problem. I admit that I have this huge tendency to blame my parents who did this to me, or even my friends, but this wouldn’t work. Even if we suppose that this is their fault, they’re not able to fix it. In fact, no one can, but me! Tadaaaa! ME again, at the center of the universe! Let’s start from the top!

Once upon a time, there was a child…