To tell or not to tell

They always say that it’s good to tel people how you feel, but it’s not as easy as they suggest. No matter how you feel about someone, there will be consequences when you step forward and tell them the truth.

I’ve hurt many people by letting them know how I felt. Even though I told them the whole truth, they got me wrong. And sometimes they weren’t where I was, so it got complicated. When I liked them more than they liked me, they suffered from someone who wants to be friend with them, while they didn’t want to. And sometimes it was the other way around.

In the case of hatred it was more difficult. To let someone know you’re interested in them  was much easier than to show them how you hate them. And the reactions were always tragic. Some would become depressed and broken, and some would become your enemy and hate you back!

So, day by day I learned not to show what I felt, to let the people I like go away not knowing that someone like them secretly, and to hang out with the ones I hate, even when I can’t stand them. The problem solved? Obviously not. It got worse!

I thought that I could keep my likes and dislikes inside and never let the others find out how I felt, but it turned out to be an impossible mission. The eyes were the problem! No matter how hard I tried to hide my feelings, people could see what was going on through my eyes. And then, they started to judge me for hiding my feelings about them.

I still don’t know how to solve the problem, but I know I have to give up keeping everyone happy and satisfied, because if I don’t stop this, I will end up being hated by everyone.


Five years in between

The place was so familiar and the memory of our last visit there was so alive that I couldn’t believe when K told me that it was 5 years ago when we got in the warm place of this Cafe in a cold winter night, and she looked funny by wearing my gloves.

Baran Cafe

Feeling lonely and being worried about our unknown feature, we talked and tried to find a way to establish a family, but a couple of weeks later we separated and our lives fell apart. Simply I failed, and then, tried to forget all of those memories and moments, with new people and new relationships, but none of them worked!

I went through a deep darkness and loneliness during those five years, even the times I stepped in new relationships. I gave up many things out of anger and depression, but last night when I was sitting face to face of K in the same place in a cool September night, watching her smiling and listening to me reading the poems of Hafez, I felt that those five years were not wasted.

Baran Cafe reading HafezI wasn’t ready back then, and from where I’m standing now in my timeline, I can see that even if we had succeed and had gotten married, I wasn’t the one who could appreciate what he had.

I know that five years is a lot of time, but I can also see that a whole new person came to being out of that little frightened weak and fragile kid that I used to be. I hope that this calmness and peaceful moments that we’re living now, last to the end of our life.

Talk before it is too late!

I talk a lot! That’s a fact. If somebody asks my friends or my colleagues about me,  they never say, “He is a shy, silent employee who only minds his own business”; because it’s not me. I go to people and say Hi and start conversations with them. In work meetings, even though I try not to speak so much which always puts me in trouble, I participate in almost every conversation as it is my duty to solve every single problem at my workplace!

But, it doesn’t mean that I tell people what I should, about my feelings and what is going on in my heart about what they do to me. That’s the problem. I easily laugh, and I make others laugh too, but when it comes to sadness and anger, there’s a big lock on my mouth.

Long time ago, I was mad at a friend, and I didn’t tell her. Then, I talked about that  with some of our mutual friends to relieve myself from the suffer I was through. She was also hurt because she’d got some bad re-actions from the ones to whom I had talked. And for maybe two years we didn’t talked about it.

Today, we finally talked and told each other how we felt about the problem and how we was hurt by each other back then. It wasn’t easy to express all those feelings, but after we did, it was all gone. Just like that!

And now… I wish we’ve done that long time ago. It could’ve been much easier the first day, but I made a mistake, which cost me two years of sadness about what my friend had done to me, and two years of anger in my friend’s heart about what I had done in return.

I hope I can learn my lesson this time!

The Limits of Control

I know. Life is not as sad as every time I feel like writing some thing here. In fact, I live my life when I enjoy it and I don’t share it here with you. You may call me selfish now, but you’re right! If I’m here, it means something’s gone wrong again, and I’m trying to fix it by writing about it in my blog! Or, maybe it’s not about fixing, but only about a need to let it out, so I could see it outside of mind.

Last night, I went to bed at 11 PM, and set my alarm on 6 AM so I could take a full 7 hours of sleeping which helps me to function normally during the next day. And I woke up on time and everything seemed OK. Then I took a shower and ate my breakfast and leaved the house to work.

The problem showed itself when I got to my office and turn my computer on to start the day. When my computer was trying to boot, I felt that I wasn’t ready to start a new day, just like that. It was like I’d left something back in my yesterday which didn’t let me to proceed to my today.

By the way, I found out it was all about a dream I saw last night, which I hardly remember, but the only part I can still see in my head, is when I heard the cats fighting in our bedroom. I was frightened, but I didn’t want to wake K up.  So, I tried to find the cats in silence. After minutes of searching around in darkness, I realized that it was only a nightmare and there were no cats and fights. I got back to bed and crawled under the warm blanket,  and… I blacked out!

Well, the night is over now, but it’s not fair that a little nightmare, coming from nowhere, is able to ruin a whole day of our short life! However, nightmares are not the only things out of our control. Among all the things pushing our life forward, there are only few things we have a little control over or the ability to decide about. What can we do, but to accept the offer!

* Obviously the title of the post is not mine!