The Center of the Universe

bolt talking to pidgins2

Due to what my father believed and acted according to, I spent most of my life having this silly idea that I was special, which was later proved to be completely wrong!

In the dark history of 30 years of living this life, there was always these fake lights that showed the differences I had from other kids. I was told that I was super smart, handsome, powerful, charming, and mindful. Thank God, they never told me that I was tall!

Years passed, and I went through lots of failures, which was shocking for my parents, and these failures taught me that I was just an ordinary child like many others, and to be honest, I wasn’t that ordinary either. Most of my friends were much better than me in almost everything.

Those years are over now, and I didn’t get any of what my parents expected me to achieve. And the main reason for those failures was not that I couldn’t; I didn’t succeed because I didn’t try enough. Well, I didn’t have to try based on how I used to see myself; Everything looked easy for me in a way that I didn’t need to bother myself, trying! They should’ve come to me by themselves.

In another hand, I’ve got this reaction from many of friends and relatives in all these years, which always was unpleasant to me, but now I can understand why. They usually tried to prove me that I wan’t that good, or that special, even sometimes when I really was good at something.

I have some friends that I pathetically expected them to make a tiny little complement about me all the years I was friend with them, but they never did, even once.  Gradually, I lost my self-confidence in front of them, like they could only see weaknesses in me, or they were doing me a favor by being friend with me.

First, I tried to think that this was how they were and they never said good things about any one, but by the time went on, I saw many examples of their saying wonderful things about many of their friends, but never me.

I know, and I confirm how miserable it was to be this needy for other’s complements, but even now that I know who I was and who I am, I still believe that they treated my like that, to show me I was nothing. Actually they did the same thing my parents had done before. Possibly the most reasonable thing to say about me now is that I’m not as good as my parents used to think, and I’m not as bad as these friends of mine were trying to prove.

After all, I’m me, with many weaknesses that I don’t know how to handle, and I’m just at the beginning of my way of life.

Looks like a happy end in a Hollywood kind of talking? Hah? A person finally found himself and now is trying to make a better life, based on who he really is? Little Miss Sunshine? Bolt? Negative!

Not only that it’s not easy to find out what’s the best thing to do now and how to survive from this challenge, but also the old game is not over yet! Even right now that I’m writing these lines, I could still feel the remaining consequences of those years of my being a self-center spoiled child, who cannot possibly do anything wrong. I can feel it, and the biggest challenge is to find a way out of this self-constructed prison.

I have no idea how to escape from the world I’ve made in years. I don’t like the way I look, the way I sound when I talk, and the way I think about anything, specially this very problem. I admit that I have this huge tendency to blame my parents who did this to me, or even my friends, but this wouldn’t work. Even if we suppose that this is their fault, they’re not able to fix it. In fact, no one can, but me! Tadaaaa! ME again, at the center of the universe! Let’s start from the top!

Once upon a time, there was a child…

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