The Blue Friday, Everyday

Everything looked alive those years. We were young and free, and all of our dreams looked easy to catch. All we used to do was to enjoy the life, spending our time by reading, writing, walking at nights, sitting in cafes reading poems, listening to musics, watching movies, and… talking. Yes, talking.

As far as I remember the feeling I had, the best part was talking with each other. We used to talk a lot, almost about everything, but mostly about what we called “the pains of life”. But now it sounds kind of funny; because I can’t remember what kind of pain we could have at that time. We treated life like a joke and enjoyed it the best way we could, and now it’s not easy to accept that all those days are gone.

It’s been almost five years since the fog of hatred and enmity covered everything. The united group we had with all that variety of tastes and beliefs, now looks like some scattered Islands. Everyone is so busy with his own daily life, trying so hard to make the ends meet. And ridiculously every one is working on his thesis right now!

We judged a lot in these recent years, we hated a lot, we defended a lot, we showed our anger and disappointment a lot… which all have led to a dark and deep loneliness and our hearts some how died.

Every Sunday I go to the old school to watch a movie and sometimes we drink a cup of tea with some of those old friends. I can feel it. I can feel that everyone needs to say something, but they don’t know what to say and how to say it. I know that they miss something, but none of them can show what he feels.

It’s not easy to hope, but… I hope the Sun shines again someday.

The Center of the Universe

bolt talking to pidgins2

Due to what my father believed and acted according to, I spent most of my life having this silly idea that I was special, which was later proved to be completely wrong!

In the dark history of 30 years of living this life, there was always these fake lights that showed the differences I had from other kids. I was told that I was super smart, handsome, powerful, charming, and mindful. Thank God, they never told me that I was tall!

Years passed, and I went through lots of failures, which was shocking for my parents, and these failures taught me that I was just an ordinary child like many others, and to be honest, I wasn’t that ordinary either. Most of my friends were much better than me in almost everything.

Those years are over now, and I didn’t get any of what my parents expected me to achieve. And the main reason for those failures was not that I couldn’t; I didn’t succeed because I didn’t try enough. Well, I didn’t have to try based on how I used to see myself; Everything looked easy for me in a way that I didn’t need to bother myself, trying! They should’ve come to me by themselves.

In another hand, I’ve got this reaction from many of friends and relatives in all these years, which always was unpleasant to me, but now I can understand why. They usually tried to prove me that I wan’t that good, or that special, even sometimes when I really was good at something.

I have some friends that I pathetically expected them to make a tiny little complement about me all the years I was friend with them, but they never did, even once.  Gradually, I lost my self-confidence in front of them, like they could only see weaknesses in me, or they were doing me a favor by being friend with me.

First, I tried to think that this was how they were and they never said good things about any one, but by the time went on, I saw many examples of their saying wonderful things about many of their friends, but never me.

I know, and I confirm how miserable it was to be this needy for other’s complements, but even now that I know who I was and who I am, I still believe that they treated my like that, to show me I was nothing. Actually they did the same thing my parents had done before. Possibly the most reasonable thing to say about me now is that I’m not as good as my parents used to think, and I’m not as bad as these friends of mine were trying to prove.

After all, I’m me, with many weaknesses that I don’t know how to handle, and I’m just at the beginning of my way of life.

Looks like a happy end in a Hollywood kind of talking? Hah? A person finally found himself and now is trying to make a better life, based on who he really is? Little Miss Sunshine? Bolt? Negative!

Not only that it’s not easy to find out what’s the best thing to do now and how to survive from this challenge, but also the old game is not over yet! Even right now that I’m writing these lines, I could still feel the remaining consequences of those years of my being a self-center spoiled child, who cannot possibly do anything wrong. I can feel it, and the biggest challenge is to find a way out of this self-constructed prison.

I have no idea how to escape from the world I’ve made in years. I don’t like the way I look, the way I sound when I talk, and the way I think about anything, specially this very problem. I admit that I have this huge tendency to blame my parents who did this to me, or even my friends, but this wouldn’t work. Even if we suppose that this is their fault, they’re not able to fix it. In fact, no one can, but me! Tadaaaa! ME again, at the center of the universe! Let’s start from the top!

Once upon a time, there was a child…

Pain as the meaning of life

I see pain around me. A lot of pain actually, which comparing to little problems that I have in my life right now, is very frightening. Money is the main challenge for most, and not because they don’t try enough to make some, but because the expenses of living runs faster than they could work. That’s why we, Iranians, always need more money, no matter how our economic situation is. Even if we can handle our own life, we have to earn more money for our children, because they’d lose their life if they have to start from the beginning, like many of us did.

I can see some of the people around me, suffering from loneliness. Even some of them seems to be in love with someone who doesn’t love them back. I can see the ones who are deeply alone while they’re living with someone else. There are also ones who’re alone, deeply enough, not to even try to let someone into their life.  They look like they’re satisfied with their loneliness, but I’m not sure if can believe the idea could work.

I can see ones who have a life full of love and passion, but they have a collection of other problems everyday in their life, like the universe is mad at them, and is trying to take revenge just because they got the chance to keep their love for years.

Why am I thinking about this? What’s wrong with having no big problems? Nothing actually! And that’s the wrong part of the story. I know it might sound ridiculous, but it’s true. It feels strange not to have the old problems, for someone who had grown up with them like the problems were the deep meaning of his life; Like if you take away those problems, you take away the meanings of his life.

I read my friends writings, their twits and their words everywhere, and the main thing they write about, is their pains and sufferings. And to be honest, they create art sometimes! Sometimes I secretly go through their blog archives and read their entries, and even though people don’t take the blog posts seriously, I can feel the magic in their words; the magic came out of suffering most of the times.

“What’s in the Iranian’s face that we could recognize them among other faces, even before they talk?”, a friend of mine who lives abroad, asked once. I had experienced that many times before, and the only answer I could find was: “Suffer”. Iranians suffer a lot, from the beginning of their life in a way that even someday some of them could escape from the situation, they will remain under the influence of what they’ve been through before.

Not that the condition here is the worst in the world, but it’s a lot different. Complaining all the time, is one the common behaviors many of us have. To say, “I feel great today” is not a common answer when somebody asks us, “How do you feel today?”, unless we’re a bipolar and we’re in one of those “I feel great today” days. The most common answer in Iran when someone asks you about how you are, is to say “Thanks”, by which you can escape from the real answer and be polite at a same time.

By the way, I ask this question a lot from myself these days, that if we lose these pains, how our lives would look like, and what the meaning of life would be. It’s even hard to imagine.

The Open End

Soccer Field in Prison

Sometimes when I review the opportunities I’ve had in my life, I suffer from the weakness I can see through many of my decisions. I wasted a lot those opportunities because I always concerned with something when I had to decide about something else. I rejected many good job offers because I was thinking about my education, and I lost many great educational opportunities because I was struggling with my work at the same time.

I know what so-called positive people usually say when I say this. Yes! I believe that everyone could make changes in his life and choose what to be and how to live his life, but there are limitations. There is a serious question about the number of options everyone has.

I admit that many of my failures have been the result of my laziness and I know that if I’ve had tried harder to get what I wanted, I could’ve reached many of my goals, but I’m an ordinary person with average capabilities. I’m taking about the hard-to-accept fact of “being a normal person”.

Despite many of the movies and stories that have a hero who eventually, with the help of the writer and the director, overcomes the problems and live a happy life for ever, there is no guaranty in real life. Apparently God doesn’t care about his story or movie being sold. So he doesn’t need to satisfy the audience, or to prepare the ground for his next work.

So, we are here, abandoned in a soccer field, having free will to go anywhere in the field, but not even a step outside. This is while the life’s going on somewhere else outside the field,  and apparently the key to see the real life, is to  escape from the field! It’s not easy, but must be possible. There has to be a way outside.