I’m not proud of this, but yeah, I’ve been many times in my life in situations that I thought that I could save the world or make a huge change in economy, media, politics and so on! Yeah. This was me.
And as you know there are many people, and I mean MANY, almost all (Mom! I know you do, you always did), around the world who don’t give a sh** about me. So, I need to start to accept this fact that the world doesn’t turn around me! It’s me the one who need to survive, and to find his path through this complexity and also threatening dangers.
When you try many times to prove that you are different and eventually fail because you are not, this out-of-control reaction shows up which make you say: OK! Let’s forget about everything! Let’s be a jerk or a useless hopeless human being who’s blaming the world for his own failures.
Actually I was right there 31 days ago. I can’t guarantee that I wouldn’t get there again, but that’s the point; I don’t want not to. Anyway, It was a blue Friday evening and I was all alone by my self in my house laying down beside the heater feeling so cold and wishing for an earthquake to come and the roof to collapse on me and release me from this f***ing life! I waited, waited, and again waited more!
The problem started when the mentioned earthquake didn’t come! After a while I felt so hungry, so I desperately stood up and went to the fridge. I grabbed some food and when the hunger was gone, I shouted to my self: “You poor paththththetic creature!”.
My feelings when my hunger was gone, reminded me of the guy who was laying down between train tracks on a railway line having some pieces of bread with him waiting for a train to come and kill him. “Why are you laying down here? It’s dangerous!” a stranger asked passing by. “I want to commit suicide!” the guy answered. “So, what is the food for, if you want to kill yourself?” The stranger asked. “I have this food with me not do die if the train came late!”
Then I realized that I can’t just sit there waiting for an earthquake to happen, neither I had the courage to throw my self before a coming train, I couldn’t be that strong to shoot into my mouth which also I needed a gun to do so!
So, I came to the result that: “How about shutting up and living your life?! ha?”
Here we are. Sleep early every night, waking up early in the morning, working out like an idiot, not smoking cigarettes like those healthy healthy guys in commercials, going to work regularly AND prevent myself to hope that something so lovely is going to happen in the future for I do now.
I accepted that there may be nothing waiting for me in the future but a worse miserable life in which I won’t have any money, any success in my education or even any good relationship. But, It’s OK. There is not much more thing to lose when I lost my most valuable treasure in that blue Friday evening.